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| Neanderthal Girl: She's so fine, oh yeah. Gotta make her mine, oh yeah. |
(March 20, 2014) I always wanted to be a "colored girl." Black is beautiful. So is brown. This white covering in which I am imprisoned lacks vitality. It lacks drama, and I want drama! It lacks hotness, and I want to be hot. Plus: I certainly never volunteered to have my body inflamed by a vicious, unpredictable autoimmune disease.
But we
homo sapiens, as we know so well from current events, just can't keep it in our pants, can we, gentlemen? You took one look at those Neanderthal babes and screamed: "Holy shit! Fresh meat!"
Thus did our genes intermingle, and one heartbreaking -- albeit adaptive -- result was that our skin got more and more colorless, the more we messed around with these very nice people, who had just been living their lives, minding their own business, for tens of thousands of years. Thanks to those insatiable sapien dudes, I spent the first 40 years of my life "laying out" in the sun, acquiring the scent of fried chicken as I endeavored to reclaim my rightful skin color. And now my whole body is attacking itself, just because those guys needed a little variety, to "spice up" their prehistoric sex lives. I am so mad at testosterone!
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| How must her dear husband have felt? |
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| He probably had no emotions about it, right? |
Now I am but a "whiter-shade-of-pale" remnant of what I was meant to be.
It turns out that when you call someone a Neanderthal, you're not making the kind of joke you think you are, and you're not even hurling the kind of insult you intend. Neanderthals had some very valuable genetic attributes, and the adults even had bigger brains than our sapiens guys did. They apparently had language, and a nicely evolving communal culture, until we stormed in like Green Berets in Vietnam, taking what we wanted and leaving a mess behind, as well as a bumper crop of little inter-species creatures.
Thanks to the rapacious penile picante/piquancy of homo sapiens' erotic explorations, pretty much all of us have identifiable Neanderthal genes, which are laying about with the rest of our DNA, new research proves.
Previous studies of DNA extracted from
fossil remains "have suggested that a person of non-African ancestry owes
1 percent to 3 percent of his genome to Neanderthal ancestors," according to a January 29, 2014 Wall Street Journal article.
The article adds that "as much as 20 percent of the entire Neanderthal genome can be found scattered throughout the human population," according to new research in Science magazine.
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| Neanderthals had stable family units. Then our guy - Conan the homo sapien - burst in. |
The cave man liveth! Of course, we knew that, without any genetic sequencing. All sorts of barbaric manliness liveth in our world today, and the cave man is relatively sweet and harmless, compared to the hyped-up, ruthlessly ambitious, imperialistic, insatiably greedy, vain Cave Superheroes in our midst. The Neanderthal was primitive. We have no excuse for behaving like uncivilized, uncouth, loutish beasts. But just spend a few days on Wall Street or in the highest realms of corporate America, and what you'll find, beneath the designer suits, is far more boorish than any prehistoric, "sub-human" person would ever have tolerated in himself.
I just found out that it is our frolicking with our Neanderthal "lovers" all those many years ago that very likely predisposed me to lupus. That florid sore, below, is a hallmark of the autoimmune disease. What the rash is declaring is that my whole body is under siege, and all of my organ systems are at risk.
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I hope someone had a great time in bed. I'm paying
for it. I could have been a contender! |
And please take note of my pathetic white skin. It's like an embarrassing mutation, some sort of disability. If homo sapiens hadn't been such lusty, predatory bastards, I could have had flesh that had coppery undertones, ebony overtones, all kinds of glowy, vibrant tones! Instead, I have that gross color that Crayola crayons used to call "flesh" colored (the one at the top, below) -- ignoring the fact that most flesh on Earth is NOT that pukey hue:
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| It took Crayola 130 years to realize it neeed "multicultural" flesh tones. |
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| Then there are "flesh-colored" bandaids. Whose flesh? |
MIX RACES, NOT SPECIES, YOU IDIOTS
I am not opposed to what used to be derisively termed "miscegenation." Even today, certain crazies freak out over "race-mixing," and claim that white people are becoming extinct, as we become a "mongrel" population, promiscuously breeding with inferior beings, such as black and Jewish people, Latinos, Asians, and those from the Middle and Far East.
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| "Please, dear Lord, protect us from this scourge of color!" |
Oh purity -- whilst thou goest? What would our Planet become if there were no more truly White people to lord over it?
I wish these so-called supremacists -- who don't seem to notice that they're the ones who look genetically defective -- would hunker down in their remote survivalist encampments and shut up. Breed as many honkies and haolies as you want to!
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| Anita Reynolds had a rewarding black life, but she also "passed" for white. |
I love our multicultural society, and I think intermarriage is a beautiful, enlightened, enriching phenomenon.
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| Black and Filipino. |
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| Black and Mexican, left. Black and white, right. |
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| Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is black, white and Pacific Islander. |
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| Rihanna is Afro-Bajan, German and Guyanese. |
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| Bruno Mars is Jewish, Puerto Rican, Filipino and Spanish. |
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| White, black, Vietnamese. |
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| Alicia Keys is black, Scottish, Italian and Irish. |
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| Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah. |
"Race mixing," which really means the slow evaporation of bigotry -- is a beautiful, loving, joyous and socially cohesive development that brings all of us closer together in our common humanity.
THE BEAST WITHIN
But humping a different species (like Neanderthals), just for the nasty, forbidden hell of it, is a different matter entirely. I was shocked and sickened when I learned in my youth that cows, horses and even (my god!) chickens are sexually assaulted by men and boys as an accepted part of rural life. Whatever has an orifice: Go for it, guys. And then have it for dinner.
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| Bestiality is a beloved, ancient tradition among homo sapiens. |
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| And American soldiers are all about upholding traditional values. |
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This animal abuse is disgraceful, but at least it doesn't produce hybrid offspring.
As it turned out, our little sexual adventurism with Neanderthals did. A commingling of genes occurred.
Thus, my pasty skin and lupus. And perhaps your diabetes.
Why didn't you guys consider Philip Roth's remedy, and just keep a supply of raw liver around (or warm apple pie) to relieve those special moments when you've just got to "get some"?
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| Homo sapien: "Bored with rocks. Want to get my rocks off." |
When homo sapiens fanned out across the Northern Hemisphere, I wonder if they raped the Neanderthal women, or courted them first, bringing flowers and slab of boar for dinner. Did they ever come back and meet their babies? Those babies are our ancestors!
Ever since the discovery in 2010 "that Neanderthals interbred with the
ancestors of living humans, scientists have been trying to determine how
their DNA affects people today," notes science writer Karl Zimmer. Thanks to homo sapiens' vigorous trysts, the genetic legacy of Neanderthals has endured 30,000 years after their extinction, he says. Two major studies suggest that Neanderthal genes involved in skin and hair were
favored by natural selection in humans. Today, they are very common in
living non-Africans, he adds.
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| The homo sapien had a cute wife. Why couldn't he be faithful? |
Homo sapiens conveniently dismissed Neanderthals as "stumbling, bumbling, mumbling fools who
aimlessly wandered the landscape eking out a miserable, forlorn
existence," according to a recent essay in the New York Times by David Frayer, professor of anthropology at the University of Kansas. So why not mess around with them, just to kill some time and burn some calories? They probably don't even know what you're doing, and maybe they even love it!
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| Blame it on the landscape. Phallic symbols galore. |
In the last 10 years there has been a major reassessment of the
Neanderthals, and it turns out they share a lot of the behavior and
capabilities of people in Europe today, Frayer says.
Be careful when you call someone a
Neanderthal. You’re speaking about part of yourself, he adds.
I suppose homo sapiens' next big carnival of carnal cavorting will be with robots. It sounds a bit awkward, but our manly men will find a way. It's inevitable. Just imagine what kind of scary hell that will unleash.
Although silver skin might be nice.
