In a burst of inexplicable candor, Obama declares war on everyone

Isn't it fair to say that war has its own special beauty? Some find it exhilarating.

     (Nov. 15, 2014) President Obama today declared war on every country in the world, and upon his own citizens as well. He's just tellin' it like it is, bro. Deal with it.
    In so doing, he merely acknowledged what many savvy observers have known or suspected for decades. American troops, private contractors, Homeland Security operatives, so-called "diplomats,"  and intelligence agents -- foreign and domestic -- are conducting overt and/or covert operations wherever there are people to monitor, infiltrate, bribe, manipulate, seduce, torture, rape, sabotage or assassinate.

Our guys are mixed in with the Isis dudes to keep track of things and have fun being under cover..

    "I'm talking hot war, cold war, guerrilla war, civil war, trade war, cyberwar, tribal spats, incitement to uprise, superpower tensions: Whatever we can get going," the president added. "We've got an inspired, patriotic infrastructure of men and women -- mostly men, of course -- whom we must not deprive of "bad guys" to obliterate. They are champing at the bit to get out there and do their thing. This is their duty and their passion. Our dignity and our economy rely on these brave souls who are as anxious as any amped-up, ruthless jihadist to get going and achieve that heroism thing. No celestial virgins for our guys, at least not that we know of, but lots of perks anyway. 

DAMN THAT SNOWDEN!
    "Why wait for this Chinese water torture to go on, as the drip-drip-drips of information about our activities leak out, creating one scandal after another?" the president continued, getting sleepier by the minute. "Damn that Snowden! Damn that Chelsea person! Let's just lay it out there: We spy on enemies, we spy on allies, we spy on our own citizens. Any given person you see might be a Bad Guy! He could end life as we know it at any moment, and all it would take is a little bit of Googling. It's a dangerous world. America is the greatest and most rich and powerful country the world has ever known, but frankly we are also the fraidiest cat of all the fraidy cats that ever lived."

 

The whole damn world is going to the dogs. We can't allow that.

    "We're paranoid, yes, but who can blames us? The world loves us, and yet they also hate us -- go figure. So that leaves us understandably scared out of our wits by every little conversation, in a sidewalk cafe, opium den or cold-water flat, that might jeopardize our dominion of the Planet. What so proudly we hail might be blown to smithereens at any moment by some nonentity who happens to have a few advanced hacking skills.

DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY. AND DON'T CALL IT  COLLATERAL
    "We must spend most of our national resources to pinpoint and neutralize these swarthy foes, vaporizing everyone in their vicinity if necessary. To call this 'collateral damage' isn't really fair to our great nation. I would prefer to characterize it as an explosive 'ounce of prevention,' executed by our courageous drone operators from their cubicles in Colorado.

A CIA "drone control hut." The best video game ever, because you really are killing people!

    "Countless of our own fellow citizens are as great a threat to America as any foreign upstart. People are having negative feelings, anger, frustrations. They are being manipulated by the liberal media to believe that they have no hope, and that their government is unable to govern, which is just a glitch, and anyway, who says we aren't governing? We are doing all sorts of things. But as for those who pose domestic threats, of course, we must spy on them, to root out the "bad guys" who might start rallying people to attack the Establishment, which is of course the greatest and most rich and powerful establishment EVER, and we can't let that happen. The world's most notorious dictators have learned how to keep their people quiet, complacent, terrified, whatever. We can do the same.

BLUER THAN VELVET WAS THE NIGHT
    "But we will use a velvet glove, of course, to quash any unrest. That is because of our God-given decency. Yes, the velvet glove will at least  be our initial and public response. A cyanide pill in your margarita might be more expedient in some cases. Wasting away -- and dying to death! -- in Margaritaville.  Because we are the land of the free, and tequila is part of that freedom.
    "Gotta go, folks. Parent-teachers meeting. So I won't be taking questions today."