Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lupus -- the Blushing Terrorist -- bulges with cruel surprises

Lupus filled my flat abs with fluid.
       (Oct. 26, 2012) Lupus has become my own personal terrorist. He hides out  in the remotest regions of my body, coldly masterminding his next crippling, disfiguring, painful or humiliating assault. He relishes with a jihadist's fervor his fantasies about the secret havoc he can wreak on my internal organs. But I bet he gets the biggest kick out of  what he is doing to my appearance. Until recently, I had a well-toned, skinny body. Today, my abdomen is a disgusting, big bag of  fluid.  I was once told that I looked like "a young Lauren Bacall." But now, a better comparison would be to W.C. Fields.

FLAVORAMA: E-cigarette lovers are eating it up, and they have good taste

From "nicotine replacement" to gourmet indulgence
Vaping has become a foodie's dream: luscious, calorie-free confections.

    (October 2013) If you want to put your lips together and blow something delicious, you have so many choices, it will take your breath away: More than 7,000 flavors are now available and, by one estimate, nearly 250 more are being introduced every month, according to a recent article in the New York Times.  
    I am craving cotton candy so much right now. But the butterscotch, creme brulee and fudge brownies are calling my name, too. On days like this, it's best to just close up shop, kick back in your La-Z-Boy recliner (preferably with a view of the clouds outside), and devote yourself to creating sweet clouds of your own.
    For decades now, smoking has generally been regarded  as a "vice," and a "dirty habit,." even by smokers themselves. Then, e-cigarettes stampeded into the market, with the head-tossing ebullience of wild horses. They offered a "clean," stylish, infinitely safer alternative to smoking. A passionate, activist vaping community has sprung up almost overnight, throughout the U.S. and Europe.
   The whole thrust of this energetic, creative entrepreneurial adventure has gradually shifted from nicotine delivery to creating a "smoking-like" experience that provides pleasure and relaxation. The best products envelop the the user in flavor, "throat hit," and aromatic vapor. Vaping has become a banquet, with an ever-changing array of luscious flavors. We aren't in Marlboro Country anymore. Today's men have learned that blowing banana-creme doesn't compromise your masculinity. Neither does kiwi or gummy bear.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Burn in Hell

    It's understandable that people enjoy having fires in their fireplaces. Those flickering flames are beautiful, hypnotic, comforting and cozy, not to mention toasty warm.
    All I ask is that those who indulge in this age-old pleasure observe one little act of conscience: VENT YOUR EMISSIONS INTO YOUR OWN LIVING SPACE. You should be the ones who have to inhale all that smoke, rather than inflicting it on the rest of us. It seems only fair to me.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

An all-out assault on Alzheimer's: A 'brainstormy' battle plan

    In several upcoming posts, Elderly Girl will offer a detailed proposal for waging war on Alzheimer's disease, since it seems that no one who is actually qualified to take charge has done so. We need one of those "czars," without the stupid title, who would coordinate everything. Would "Brainiac" work?
    This needs to be a mass assault, a top national priority (like the moon landing), using a multi-pronged approach. It needs to be a bit crazy and loose and collaborative and all brainstormy, making use of crowdsourcing, which we have seen to be so effective at solving so many other, very diverse, problems. Let's get as many intellects -- and as many disciplines -- involved as we can.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Nazis But Nice -- A Strudel Iced with Mormonism

Mormons do as they're told -- whether it's Hitler or the local bishop.
if it were legal i would marry pastry.
fo serious.

    I always decline desserts, especially those made with white flour, white sugar and butter. But when a fragile, adorable old lady appeared at my front door, proffering a huge, warm strudel drenched with vanilla icing, cinnamon and walnuts, what could I do?
   “We want to welcome you to the neighborhood,” she said, introducing herself as Lotte Krause. “And this is my husband, Helmut,” she added.
    “We think you will be a good girl, not like the one, Julia, who was here before,” Mr. Krause said. “She had her black and Jewish friends coming around all the time."
    I realize this doesn't sound believable, but I swear he said it.
    I had been told that some Nazi Mormons lived nearby, but I never expected them to manifest themselves as a touchingly frail and tender couple, if at all.