Sunday, February 20, 2011

I'm not happy, but I'm gay, Putin will reveal at Olympics closing ceremony

The Russian president enjoys reeling 'em in.

    (Feb. 20. 2014) Sources characterized as "intimates" of Russian President Vladimir Putin have notified Kronstantinople that he will disclose his homosexuality in a "personal but not overly emotional fashion" during closing ceremonies for the Sochi Winter Olympic Games on Sunday.

The colorful and politically courageous ladies of Pussy Riot will be asked to
serve as Putin's backup, or  whatever. His pussy-whippers! They are not fag hags.

    Russian athletes did not live up to the nation's grand hopes, disappointing those who expected the $50 billion investment to help restore Russia's former grandeur and stature as a Great Power. Particularly humiliating was the poor showing in the ice hockey competition.
    Extremes in weather marred the Games, as did early concerns about the readiness of housing and administrative facilities.
    But nothing caused more controversy than the law passed last summer banning the promotion of homosexuality. Protests in Russia and around the world were vociferous. Gay people poured into Sochi, kissing defiantly, which was a beautiful sight to see, Kronstantinople believes. Defiant kissing is special.
    "It is true: I am gay," Putin reportedly will reveal in a prepared statement. "I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused by supporting hurtful policies. This has been a very difficult struggle for me. All my life I have worked to be a manly man, but deep inside, I have known that I am that very 'sissy' and 'queer' and 'faggot' I have always claimed to despise."
    We have spoken on condition of anonymity to several Russian business and media figures who are not surprised.

    "Look at him -- he's a 'boy toy' if there ever was one," an oil tycoon remarked. "That little strut of his. That pretty face."
    But, as one might expect, conspiracy theories were spreading gaily through social media as soon as the news was leaked. Many expressed skepticism about Putin's forthcoming "confession," dismissing it as an attempt to endear himself to the world.
    "Talk about 'soft power,' " one Facebook poster wrote. "He will be seen as such a cute and lovable softie that he'll be more influential worldwide than he ever was with his hotshot, no-bullshit KGB persona. It's a brilliant, Machiavellian lie!"
    As a form of penance, the Russian president will officially change his name to "Pussy Putin," we are told. And he will contract with the members of Pussy Riot, the controversial punk band, to be his "backup" people, "if they can forgive me and believe in my sincerity."
    What does he mean by "backup"? 
    Kronstantinople has been unable to ascertain if they are expected to serve as his backup singers, doing a Kimmel-style "slow jam" behind him as he speaks, or whether they will be his bodyguards (they do look pretty scary in those outfits), or whether they will comprise his top Cabinet officials and assist in formulating domestic and foreign policy. Maybe as "backup," they will be expected to take over the presidency should he become unable to fulfill his duties.
    As an added self-punishment, Putin will permit the women, who were horse-whipped by Cossacks on Wednesday during a Sochi protest, to pussy whip him in a public venue, to be announced later this month.