Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Abercrombie Takes it in the Shorts......

  .....or, to put it more precisely, it's putting it in the shorts -- a hard-to-miss little-boy erection, made of a vinyl polymer, that is.
     Sources tell me that the "lifestyle-concept" clothing retailer, which has received an onslaught of criticism over its padded, push-up swimsuit tops for young girls, will wage a "full frontal" retaliation on Thursday by unveiling its "breakthrough" penile-accessorized counterpart for young boys.

   "Obviously this is something we had to do," a company spokesman told me, on condition of anonymity. "We've been bruised so many times by all these charges of racism, sexism, every -ism there is, that to do the girls' line without a complementary one for the boys would have been a disaster."
 Photo of Boys swim wear, boys swin trunks, boys swim suits for your infant, toddler and little boy.
    The "Lover Boy" line of swimming trunks, available in sizes 6-12, will come with a "right angle" protrusion  to complement the "triangle" design of the girls' top.
    The Ohio-based multinational firm had planned to wait a month to introduce the boys' line, "for maximum media exposure," but expedited the roll-out after the public outcry regarding the girls' "enhanced" brassieres. 
   The erection element of the boys' swimwear is secured between the 100 percent cotton outer layer of the trunks and the nylon mesh lining, the spokesman added. "It is lifelike, but it is not offensive in the least," he said.
    The vinyl protuberance is infused "ever so delicately" with a pheromone,  the official added, that is intended to create a "nipular response" in young girls.
    "We believe that by imprinting normal human sexuality on children from a young age, we can gently nudge them toward developing socially acceptable urges over time and be at less risk of deviance," the Abercrombie executive said.
    By deviance, did he mean gay?
    'That is surely one of the forms deviance can take," he replied.

    "Look, we're not trying to make kids grow up too fast or to become 'hypersexualized.' These children know the difference between role-playing and real life. They know they can't kill anyone with a toy gun, and they can't boink anyone with a toy penis. 
    "People need to cool off. This is dress up! It's fun! It gives children confidence and an enriched sense of self."
    When asked why advertising for the new products do not feature the beautiful and exquisitely photographed models for which Abercrombie has become famous (and infamous), he responded, "That would have been a bit much, don't you think?"  
     CEO Michael Jeffries calls the A&F image a "movie" because of the "fantasy" that plays out in the store. Even some of the clothing is given "story," although no plot lines have been finalized yet for the children's apparel. "When you buy our products, you buy into an emotional experience," Jeffries says.
    It is unclear how children would respond to the ambience of Abercrombie retail outlets. "Fierce," an A&F fragrance for men, is automatically spritzed from the lighting tracks while loud music causes the entire store to throb. Salespeople are referred to as "models," and each is expected to conform to A&F's  edgy, neo-preppy "look policy."

    Abercrombie's catalogs, which have featured near-naked teens and young adults in highly sexualized poses, have generated outrage and priceless publicity for the firm. The catalogs and the firm's hiring policies have also been widely criticized for being racist and sexist.
    On April 14, 2005, Judge Susan Illston of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of California granted final approval to a settlement of Gonzalez v. Abercrombie & Fitch. The settlement requires the company to pay $40 million to several thousand minority and female plaintiffs who charged the company with discrimination
     In November 2009, Abercrombie & Fitch was added to the "Sweatshop Hall of Shame 2010" by the worker advocacy group International Labor Rights Forum.

Abercrombie Goes to New Lengths to Get it Out of the Shorts
    Our satirical response in March to Abercrombie and Fitch's new push-up, padded bra for little girls   (http://kronstantinople.blogspot.com/2011/03/abercrombie-takes-it-in-shorts.html) went viral and is still going strong. But Abercrombie is also still going strong -- and long -- judging by its billboard, shown above. Its marketing, which manages to be both silly and perverse, seems oddly over the top, given the blandness of its merchandise.
    And the public outcry over its hypersexualization of children last spring seems to have done little to change its sales strategy.

This "sexy, fitted cami" is available in girls' sizes 6 to 12.
        There is little if any difference in the clothing that is marketed to young adult women and to pre-pubescent girls. The "blouses" all look like lingerie.
With a padded push-up bra, your little girl will look totally hot in this.
    The skirts and "jeans" are so short, our darling daughters might want to attend a child-porn audition. One wrong (or right) move, and everything will be "out there." It's "Lolita" all over again.
Isn't this every pedophile's dream?

Isn't this every decent mother's nightmare?

     Wouldn't your 9-year-old feel special in this dress, especially with some sheer black pantyhose? Do they make stilettos for children yet? If not, what is the problem????

    Your little girl will never feel quite right about her place in the World Wide World unless she is properly scented. Abercrombie has a line of perfumes especially formulated for the body chemistry of children. For example, "Hadley" is "wild, fresh, juicy and a little sweet. Hadley is for spontaneous, flirty girls, who are always up for love, laughter and fun." That's our daughters!

Is your baby ready for love?
    But we mustn't neglect our boys in this olfactory battle of the sexes! Abercrombie has provided them with some hot and hunky ammunition:

    For example, "15" is "ruggedly masculine. For the confident guy who's not afraid of anything, Go ahead, make the play and claim your victory." 
    And then there is the ravenous scent of "Clutch": 
    "Score the winning touchdown, make the winning shot, come through in the clutch...Undeniably masculine, 'Clutch' never fails to deliver under pressure, grabbing her attention on and off the field."
    It's kind of magical how Abercrombie has turned sexual awakening into a sporting event, in which "victory" and "making the winning shot" mean getting way past first base. 

    If we could all just get one of their catalogs for our kids, the poor dears wouldn't have to endure those tiresome sex-ed classes, which always seem to bring crap like emotion and responsibility into the dialogue. Boring! Let's just score a touchdown! 
    At least Abercrombie's ads for children's clothes actually involve clothes, even though one might understandably scream at the sight of those "delectable-me" items aimed at the elementary-school demographic.

    The firm's ads that are aimed at young adults don't really market apparel so much as a nearly-nude lifestyle in which one is occasionally obliged to slip on (but not zip up) some baggy jeans or khakis. What's really important is your bod, babe. So why doesn't Abercrombie just open a chain of health clubs and develop a line of muscle-man nutritional supplements, and forget about clothes, since they are so irrelevant to the A&F dream world?
Exactly what is being sold here? It's yummy, but what are we supposed to do about it?
Who would have thought that armpits would sell? But doesn't this make you want one?
America should be proud of its clothing-optional meadows.
This is so gay -- not that there's anything wrong with that.

This pants-falling-down aesthetic is worming its way into the American brain.
But isn't the lesbo thing a bit much?
Selling threesomes is an enlightened move, but where do the clothes come in?

Its message looms large, but what exactly is the message?
A clothier without clothes is like a  man without balls.
Call security! 111 topless men, some not too cute, meet to swarm into an A&F store.
A little fresh air down there couldn't hurt.
It is good to be reminded that sensuality and sadness can coexist nicely.
A&F models do what they do best: stroll through Paris half-naked.
Remember the song, "Afternoon Delight"? He appears to be ready for some.
       Abercrombie is all about "concept" and "fantasy," and CEO Michael Jeffries says the goal is for each clothing line to reflect an "inspiring story" about how to live one's life. The payoff: $2.5 billion in sales last year.
How could anyone not want to live in a treehouse? Of course, the mansion is a 60-second walk away.

It's good to know that someone has the courage to remind us how stylish smoking can be.
And thank goodness they're straying boldly from the missionary position. It's about time!
    Bless you, Abercrombie and Fitch, for your ferocity!
    The company's current ad campaign promises us "the best text you've ever had."
    I've had some damn good text, part of it written by me, so A&F had better have something pretty mind-blowing up its sleeveless sleeve.