In so doing, he merely acknowledged what many savvy observers have known or suspected for decades. American troops, private contractors, Homeland Security operatives, so-called "diplomats," and intelligence agents -- foreign and domestic -- are conducting overt and/or covert operations wherever there are people to monitor, infiltrate, bribe, manipulate, seduce, torture, rape, sabotage or assassinate.
|Our guys are mixed in with the Isis dudes to keep track of things and have fun being under cover..|
DAMN THAT SNOWDEN!
"Why wait for this Chinese water torture to go on, as the drip-drip-drips of information about our activities leak out, creating one scandal after another?" the president continued, getting sleepier by the minute. "Damn that Snowden! Damn that Chelsea person! Let's just lay it out there: We spy on enemies, we spy on allies, we spy on our own citizens. Any given person you see might be a Bad Guy! He could end life as we know it at any moment, and all it would take is a little bit of Googling. It's a dangerous world. America is the greatest and most rich and powerful country the world has ever known, but frankly we are also the fraidiest cat of all the fraidy cats that ever lived."
"We're paranoid, yes, but who can blames us? The world loves us, and yet they also hate us -- go figure. So that leaves us understandably scared out of our wits by every little conversation, in a sidewalk cafe, opium den or cold-water flat, that might jeopardize our dominion of the Planet. What so proudly we hail might be blown to smithereens at any moment by some nonentity who happens to have a few advanced hacking skills.
DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY. AND DON'T CALL IT COLLATERAL
"We must spend most of our national resources to pinpoint and neutralize these swarthy foes, vaporizing everyone in their vicinity if necessary. To call this 'collateral damage' isn't really fair to our great nation. I would prefer to characterize it as an explosive 'ounce of prevention,' executed by our courageous drone operators from their cubicles in Colorado.
|A CIA "drone control hut." The best video game ever, because you really are killing people!|
BLUER THAN VELVET WAS THE NIGHT
"But we will use a velvet glove, of course, to quash any unrest. That is because of our God-given decency. Yes, the velvet glove will at least be our initial and public response. A cyanide pill in your margarita might be more expedient in some cases. Wasting away -- and dying to death! -- in Margaritaville. Because we are the land of the free, and tequila is part of that freedom.
"Gotta go, folks. Parent-teachers meeting. So I won't be taking questions today."